When fear freezes and worry writhes...

I looked in the mirror at church this morning and I’ve already forgotten my face. I am such a slow learner. Though I am not thrilled with my short term memory…I suppose catching the problem early is better than not catching it at all!

Today I sang “we have found our hope, we have found our peace, we have found our rest in the one who saves” and invited everyone in attendance to sing the same wholeheartedly. By afternoon the warm fuzzy moment ended and real life began…my Monday-Saturday life. And things happened, like they do, and I took my eyes off the guy that I had just claimed was so faithful.

I sat in the car in the grocery store parking lot after church, while Aaron ran inside. As I sat I started to go over my week. Tomorrow I have a dental appointment to fix a tooth that had a root canal last week. Now the crown fell off and they say they are going to re-crown the remaining part of the tooth…but the remaining part of the tooth looks bad…real bad….and I fear I might actually need the tooth pulled once they see it. So I took a little time to beat myself up over the fact that I have bad teeth…and crooked teeth…and clearly that must mean that I am a bad person. Then my mind wandered to worry. Worry over how we will afford the procedure. I took that bait so the enemy told me we probably can’t afford it and I can just go without a tooth. Which honestly would and should be okay but my pride interrupted and puffed up and I went in circles with myself over how I will look and how I will feel and how I will feel about how I will look……and….and…and. 

Aaron came back to the car. I buckled up, relieved to be heading home. The car wouldn’t start. More ammunition. So then I started to worry about the car, and how we would fix that. Aaron suggested we walk home – it’s a short walk and a beautiful day.  As we walked I had plenty of time to think more. To worry more. I mean, if we can’t take care of our cars or my teeth, how will we take care of college for the kids……and why did we both pursue music degrees ….We had heard the phrase starving artists…didn’t that tip us off? And then there are those rumors of a global food shortage…should I fix my tooth or buy that emergency food supply bucket from Costco?  For real people! Aren’t you glad you don’t live in my head?!

And so my thoughts went…My eldest bent down and picked some flowers and handed them to me as we walked. Okay, it was actually two dandelions: one yellow and one white, ready to sow new life. But all moms know that dandelions are among the finest of flowers. And the spirit whispered "Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these."

And that was that. God had the last word. I have found my hope, I have found my peace, I have found my rest in the one who saves. 

"Every time fear freezes and worry writhes, every time I surrender to stress, aren't I advertising the unreliability of God? That I really don't believe? But I'm grateful to the Bridge Builder for the crossing of a million strong bridges, thankful for a million faithful moments, my life speaks my beliefs and I trust Him again." - Ann Voskamp