When fear freezes and worry writhes...

I looked in the mirror at church this morning and I’ve already forgotten my face. I am such a slow learner. Though I am not thrilled with my short term memory…I suppose catching the problem early is better than not catching it at all!

Today I sang “we have found our hope, we have found our peace, we have found our rest in the one who saves” and invited everyone in attendance to sing the same wholeheartedly. By afternoon the warm fuzzy moment ended and real life began…my Monday-Saturday life. And things happened, like they do, and I took my eyes off the guy that I had just claimed was so faithful.

I sat in the car in the grocery store parking lot after church, while Aaron ran inside. As I sat I started to go over my week. Tomorrow I have a dental appointment to fix a tooth that had a root canal last week. Now the crown fell off and they say they are going to re-crown the remaining part of the tooth…but the remaining part of the tooth looks bad…real bad….and I fear I might actually need the tooth pulled once they see it. So I took a little time to beat myself up over the fact that I have bad teeth…and crooked teeth…and clearly that must mean that I am a bad person. Then my mind wandered to worry. Worry over how we will afford the procedure. I took that bait so the enemy told me we probably can’t afford it and I can just go without a tooth. Which honestly would and should be okay but my pride interrupted and puffed up and I went in circles with myself over how I will look and how I will feel and how I will feel about how I will look……and….and…and. 

Aaron came back to the car. I buckled up, relieved to be heading home. The car wouldn’t start. More ammunition. So then I started to worry about the car, and how we would fix that. Aaron suggested we walk home – it’s a short walk and a beautiful day.  As we walked I had plenty of time to think more. To worry more. I mean, if we can’t take care of our cars or my teeth, how will we take care of college for the kids……and why did we both pursue music degrees ….We had heard the phrase starving artists…didn’t that tip us off? And then there are those rumors of a global food shortage…should I fix my tooth or buy that emergency food supply bucket from Costco?  For real people! Aren’t you glad you don’t live in my head?!

And so my thoughts went…My eldest bent down and picked some flowers and handed them to me as we walked. Okay, it was actually two dandelions: one yellow and one white, ready to sow new life. But all moms know that dandelions are among the finest of flowers. And the spirit whispered "Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these."

And that was that. God had the last word. I have found my hope, I have found my peace, I have found my rest in the one who saves. 

"Every time fear freezes and worry writhes, every time I surrender to stress, aren't I advertising the unreliability of God? That I really don't believe? But I'm grateful to the Bridge Builder for the crossing of a million strong bridges, thankful for a million faithful moments, my life speaks my beliefs and I trust Him again." - Ann Voskamp

Monday Musings

Do you question your calling? Do you question your life's work? When you believe God has called you to something; created you for something that you then fall short on...what do you do?

Most Sunday afternoons through Tuesdays I question. Inevitably, human-me does something dumb in front of several hundred people on a Sunday morning and I proceed to listen to the lies of the enemy - joining him in taking me down. Or perhaps I hear a few opinions about the music  - some overly critical and self-serving and some completely valid and constructive, all with no intention to hurt, no doubt. As a people pleaser I can rehearse my song choices or my ministry vision over in my head, convincing myself that perhaps there is a way to please all of the people. It takes until Tuesday to remind myself that there is nothing I can do to please everyone, try as I might. It takes until Tuesday to convince myself that it is okay if not everyone likes everything I do. It takes until Tuesday to decide that I will try again and when I fall short as we all do, God will still be accept my offering even if others do not.

So often our lives and work can begin to feel meaningless. The author of Ecclesiastes seems to understand my sentiment. Maybe some young moms out there have the Accuser Of The Brethren tell them that their work is meaningless and mundane too. I would guess some pastors identify with me when life feels heavy on the sowing and light on the reaping. Almost every Monday I must remind myself of Galatians 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." 

Here is what I know: My life is not my own. My work is not for my glory. I will most certainly fall short but I will not give up. I will "waste" my life on God and no matter how good I am at what I do, if I put God first, it will be enough for Him. And in the scheme of eternity, that is all that matters. 

My soundtrack for today:
I Will Waste My Life - Misty Edwards

Tonight our family is looking forward to serving dinner at a homeless shelter. When your life is so wrapped up in organized religion, it is nice to get outside of the box and take part in some James 1:27-like "religion" to put things in perspective. I suspect I'll be ready to start again tomorrow and ask that the Holy Spirit would give me true inspiration ("God breathed") for the worshipers at LRC as I plan upcoming services.