Defeat, Drought & Doubt

As you might expect from a melancholy, I have difficult days. Okay, difficult is a vast understatement. Today was one of those days where my sweet, well meaning husband will say "did you remember to take your pill last night?",  referring to the antidepressant I am on. Sometimes I have indeed missed it but lately I have not. Difficult emotions are just part of how I am wired. Our deepest weaknesses often live in the shadow of our greatest strengths. I remember as a girl, when my emotions ran so strong, my dad would tell me that my depth of feeling was likely going to be my greatest strength in life and my greatest challenge. If it weren't for the depth of my emotions, I could never love so immensely or write so passionately or well with joy over inconsequential things. But if God had wired me differently, I also don't think I would hurt so badly, or feel so hopeless or be on medication to help me cope. But God did wire me this way and He did so for a reason.

Today was one of those difficult days. I wouldn't be able to tell you why if you asked. Anxiety was my companion despite valiant attempts to escape her. I debated not writing tonight...after all, if you can't say anything nice....but, perhaps someone else needs to read what I read tonight as I continued to grapple for a glimpse of God in the mess of my heart and mind today. I searched for Him all day and though I know He was there, I could not feel Him. Tonight I found Him in a journal entry by Thomas Merton that he wrote to encourage His fellow monks in their prayer life with God. He wrote:

"We should not, however judge the value of our meditation by "how we feel." A hard and apparently fruitless meditation may in fact be much more valuable than one that is easy, happy, enlightened, and apparently a big success. 


There is a movement of meditation, expressing the basic paschal rhythm of the Christian life, the passage from death to life in Christ. Sometimes prayer, meditation, and contemplation are "death"--a kind of descent into our own nothingness, a recognition of helplessness, frustration, infidelity, confusion, ignorance. Note how common this theme is in the Pslams (see Psalms 39, 56). 


Any effort and sacrifice should be made in order to enter the kingdom of God. Such sacrifices are amply compensated for by the results even when the results are not clear and evident to us. But effort is necessary, enlightened, well-directed, and sustained."


Tonight, if you feel like I do, I encourage you count it all joy when you face trials, press on because God promises "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart".

Life Lessons From Zipline Rides and Skyline Drives

My favorite part of a life hidden in Christ is the adventure that such an existence affords. We just concluded a two week vacation full of activity and chaos and challenge.  I love that every day is filled with unknowns and that the Spirit whispers the profound into the mundane if we will simply listen. 

The profound that God was whispering to me throughout our journey was about where I fix my eyes...about perspective. As I walk the enduring journey of sanctification, I long to shed my old skin which has a propensity toward negativity and worry. I have begun my climb out of that pit but like an addict I will likely fight those tendencies until Glory.  

Our trip began in Iowa where we stopped at our friend's studio amidst the cornfields to record a song we recently wrote. I did not feel mentally or physically prepared to record that day. I made some mistakes. I hate mistakes. I hate the fact that my imperfections are now documented. As we drive North today, homeward bound, I still do not know if our efforts will be sufficient enough to come to fruition but I have sensed God leading us in this direction and I have let go of trying to dictate the plan as I take one step at a time through these open doors. Oh, we have dreams of what this all will look like in the end but the route there is uncertain. This proficient planner is not capable of God-sized plans. The spirit is whispering, "look up". 

We spent some time in Cheyenne, Wyoming and Denver, Colorado with dear old friends and then checked into our hotel in Colorado Springs. Right as we pulled into our parking spot at the hotel, our car broke down. And again God said "look up".  He invited me to live out the lyrics of the song I had just written and recorded from Jeremiah 17, "I send my roots down by the river and I will not fear when heat comes and I will not worry in a drought year, my leaves are green". So we put a lot of money on a credit card unexpectedly and easily and joyfully decided we would look up for the provisions. God has already begun to meet that need. 

Two days later the car was fixed but we had a new challenge arise, the infamous Waldo Canyon Fire was growing increasingly dangerous and increasingly ominous right outside our hotel window and across the freeway. Most of the tourist locations we planned to visit closed and one even burned to the ground the very day we were scheduled to be there. We spent the greater part of our vacation time watching the fire; watching the news, dwelling on the problem and awaiting evacuation. Homes and lives were at stake and I couldn't relax as long as that was going on outside my rented window. But this was the week for looking up, not looking on, so we packed up the car and found a new hotel a safer distance from the fire. 

We rolled into Canon City, CO at dinner time and felt such release to no longer be dwelling on the fire. It was time for the fun to begin. Looking up brings peace. Looking up makes room for joy. Letting God be in charge lightens loads. We overflowed our two days with dinosaur museums and ice-cream shops and Canyon views. We promised Sam we would drive a mountain road called "Skyline Drive" because we heard there were fossilized dinosaur tracks somewhere along the route and that is the stuff of lasting memories for a 5 year old guy. The initial part of the drive was fairly tame and by the time we realized how frightening riding the mountain ridge was, it was too late to turn around on the narrow, one way, winding road.  I was paralyzed with fear as we drove. And you better believe, God was whispering "look up"... "don't dwell on what is below". Thanks to the grace of God and my hubby's steady hands we made it down safely and I vowed to never do that again! Sam made a thoughtful statement as we stood on top of the world. He said "EVERYTHING looks like figurines, even the mountains look like toys!" That must be what God says and sees.  That's why we look to him. He's the one with the accurate perspective.  If you want to check out the drive click here. 

We concluded our vacation in Divide Coloardo, a small mountain town west of the flames where we shared two days at a camp for our biennial Porter Family Reunion. Many of my cousins and their kids and grandkids had signed up for outdoorsy activities at a retreat center and those of us not dumb  er, brave enough to try the activities ourselves followed the leaders with cameras in tow, cheering them on and documenting their acts of valor.  One such activity was the zip line. Now, I "accidentally" wore a dress that day, so I opted out of the zipline so as not to reveal my underpants to any poor, unsuspecting kin. Many a pant wearing relative, however,  did indeed do the zip line. From what I am told,  jumping off the platform and taking flight over the wooded slope was the easy part. It was climbing the tree that was the most difficult...requiring the most strength. My beautiful cousin Stephanie, was obviously gripped with fear before she even began harnessing up, but in true Porter fashion she was too stubborn to let fear stop her. As she climbed the tree you could see she was second guessing her ability and she froze midway to the top. The family cheered on because we had a different perspective. Stephanie was dwelling on her worry and fear (I would have been too had I been in her position) but we had an outsiders perspective. We KNEW she could do it. We KNOW how strong she is. Her fear was palpable and so were her thoughts - she was going to give up if she could figure out how in the world to get back down that tree. But amid the cheers and claps I heard her sister yell, "LOOK UP!" Hearing those words audibly for the first time was a subtly sacred confirmation of my assignment from God. I think it was Stephanie's assignment too because in an olympic-like inspirational moment Stephanie looked up and started skillfully climbing the rock-wall grips. She took it slow and steady, one step at a time until she reached the goal.

As I type, we are on the last hour of our 15 hour drive home. We saw a lot of beautiful wildlife that, by the way, I wouldn't have seen had I not put my book down and looked up. 

No matter the size of your problem, your fire, your mountain, your tree, I invite you into an adventure of awareness and trust where the motto is "look up" and the fruit is peace, joy and victory.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal. 

Rivulet & Roots (Jeremiah 17)

Here's the song I've been working on. The lyrics are mostly done but I'm waiting on some divine inspiration on the perfect melody...I have about 1,400 different ones floating around in my head. I hope to finish it to sing it at the Mocha Monkey a week from Saturday.

Verse 1

Selfish dreams and self sufficiency: 

The anthem of humanity       

Drawing all your strength from flesh

Will only lead to desert thirst

Verse 2 

Sin becomes engraved upon our hearts 

with iron tools and with flint points 

And on our children we'll impart 

all our high places 

Pre-Chorus

So I go lower to get higher, send my roots down to the stream, oh 

I go lower to get higher, send my roots down water deep

Chorus 1 

I send my roots down by the river

And I will not fear when heat comes

And I have no worries in a drought year                            

My leaves are green 

      

Verse 3

Watered trees they dwell in perfect peace 

evidence that roots dwell deep                

Your peace I cannot understand       

but I can feel it in the wind
I can feel You in the wind

Pre-Chorus

I go lower to get higher , send my roots down to the stream

I go lower to get higher, send my roots down water deep 

Chorus 2 

I send my roots down by the river

And I will not fear when heat comes

And I have no worries in a drought year                                        

Trust is my theme

Bridge 

A throne is my place of sanctuary 

the one seated there is my hope

I won't turn away or be written in the dust

And I will not forsake the spring of living water

Chorus 1 

I send my roots down by the river

And I will not fear when heat comes

And I have no worries in a drought year                               

My leaves are green 

Chorus  2

I send my roots down by the river

And I will not fear when heat comes

And I have no worries in a drought year                                

Trust is my theme

Ending 

Heal me 

And I'll be healed  

Save me 

And I will be safe 

Introducing...HOA

Thanks to all who submitted name ideas for us! There were some good ones but in the end we realized our name had to mean something to us. We wrestled between our two favorites and could not decide. While in the car picking the kids up from their grandma's house, we prayed and asked God to name us and prayed specifically for a sign. Within minutes a song came on the radio based on Psalm 115 - our scripture reference for our "House Of Aaron" band name. We took it as our sign.

Sacred Sabbaths & Memorial Mondays

Are for...

Biking 

  And hiking

Hiding

And sliding

For climbing 

And clowning 

For remembering 

 honoring

praying

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17