As you might expect from a melancholy, I have difficult days. Okay, difficult is a vast understatement. Today was one of those days where my sweet, well meaning husband will say "did you remember to take your pill last night?", referring to the antidepressant I am on. Sometimes I have indeed missed it but lately I have not. Difficult emotions are just part of how I am wired. Our deepest weaknesses often live in the shadow of our greatest strengths. I remember as a girl, when my emotions ran so strong, my dad would tell me that my depth of feeling was likely going to be my greatest strength in life and my greatest challenge. If it weren't for the depth of my emotions, I could never love so immensely or write so passionately or well with joy over inconsequential things. But if God had wired me differently, I also don't think I would hurt so badly, or feel so hopeless or be on medication to help me cope. But God did wire me this way and He did so for a reason.
Today was one of those difficult days. I wouldn't be able to tell you why if you asked. Anxiety was my companion despite valiant attempts to escape her. I debated not writing tonight...after all, if you can't say anything nice....but, perhaps someone else needs to read what I read tonight as I continued to grapple for a glimpse of God in the mess of my heart and mind today. I searched for Him all day and though I know He was there, I could not feel Him. Tonight I found Him in a journal entry by Thomas Merton that he wrote to encourage His fellow monks in their prayer life with God. He wrote:
"We should not, however judge the value of our meditation by "how we feel." A hard and apparently fruitless meditation may in fact be much more valuable than one that is easy, happy, enlightened, and apparently a big success.
There is a movement of meditation, expressing the basic paschal rhythm of the Christian life, the passage from death to life in Christ. Sometimes prayer, meditation, and contemplation are "death"--a kind of descent into our own nothingness, a recognition of helplessness, frustration, infidelity, confusion, ignorance. Note how common this theme is in the Pslams (see Psalms 39, 56).
Any effort and sacrifice should be made in order to enter the kingdom of God. Such sacrifices are amply compensated for by the results even when the results are not clear and evident to us. But effort is necessary, enlightened, well-directed, and sustained."
Tonight, if you feel like I do, I encourage you count it all joy when you face trials, press on because God promises "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart".
7 comments:
Wow! I felt despondent all day. I didn't know why, and I struggled to express it to my husband and family. Believe it or not, many days I feel alone and unloved. B
Beautiful, Nik.
Beautiful, Nik.
nikki thankyou for sharing and know you are not alone in this i have been asked many days did you take your pill! but thankyou for posting cause it made me feel alot better knowing im not the only one and your words were a great encougement to me and im sure someone else out there! love in christ angie
love you my deeply feeling and precious cousin.
Our deepest weaknesses often live in the shadow of our greatest strengths...I beg to differ. Try "our deepest strengths often live in the shadow of our greatest weaknesses." Think about it, you blogged today after a tough day. What about the days where with your great depth of emotion you celebrated? I think the deep love and joy you live with as do MANY others sometimes hides in the shadows of your anxiety filled times. You, my dear sister are filled with GREAT FAITH. Faith that is there even when you don't "feel" it and that is what faith is all about. Oh that we all could learn to live like that. I am ever so thankful for you.
Thank you so much for sharing Nikki! I feel how you do so often. I use to stuff my emotions inside not wanting to feel them...so much so my mom would often call me stone cold Sarah. I have learned that writing out feelings often helps where spoken words don't always come for me. Thanks again for sharing your heart. I needed to hear what you wrote today!
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